I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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