I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize