It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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