She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
