He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize