STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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