She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
