just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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