Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
