A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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