I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
