Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize