i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
