dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
