Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Bring me that man meat
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
