My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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