There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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