Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
