was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i will never coherently bang her
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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