Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
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