Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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