Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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