i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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