Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
