I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
