So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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