I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
