Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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