Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
