I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I will die if light touches me.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize