i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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