you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize