I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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