the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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