this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize