3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Randomize
