Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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