life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
