i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
