I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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