i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
