They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
