I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
