She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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