I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
