i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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