turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
