What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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