I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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