I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I am available for nakedness
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
