My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
