Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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