He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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