probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
