fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
