Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
