it's too hot outside to masturbate.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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