I feel like I'm in dance class right now
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Randomize
