You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Randomize
