Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
