Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
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