just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
