the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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